The Hidden Side of People-Pleasing: Why It’s Not About Being Nice
If you’re always saying yes, smoothing things over, and putting everyone else first—even when you’re exhausted—you might think you’re just being nice. But there’s a hidden cost to people-pleasing. And here’s the truth: it’s not really about kindness—it’s about control.
The Cycle of Pleasing and Control
For years, I watched clients (and myself) bend over backwards to keep the peace. We take on extra work, volunteer for every committee, remember every birthday, and never, ever say no.
On the surface, it looks like generosity. But underneath, people-pleasing is about trying to control how others see us, to manage their reactions, and to avoid the discomfort of being misunderstood or disliked.
A client once admitted, “I thought if I kept everyone happy, I’d finally feel safe and valued. But all it did was leave me exhausted and invisible.”
Sound familiar?
You replay conversations in your head, worrying if you upset someone.
You say yes to requests before even checking in with yourself.
You feel guilty when you try to put your own needs first.
You secretly resent others for not noticing how much you do.
If you relate to this, you might also see yourself in Do You Dread Mondays and Live Only for Weekends?, where I unpack how living for others can drain the joy out of your own week.
The Hidden Costs
People-pleasing is a survival strategy. For many high-achieving women—especially those who grew up as the eldest, the responsible one, the caretaker—it’s a way to earn approval, keep chaos at bay, and avoid conflict.
But the cost is high:
Chronic burnout and fatigue.
A sense of resentment that builds up over time.
Losing touch with your own wants, needs, and boundaries.
Feeling invisible, even in relationships that matter most.
The exhausting illusion that if you just try harder, you can keep everyone happy.
If you want to dig deeper into why this pattern is so common, take a look at Sick of Burnout? The Problem Isn’t Your Boss — It’s You
People-Pleasing is About Control
This is the part most people miss:
People-pleasing isn’t just about being liked. It’s about trying to control outcomes.
You want to manage how others see you—always competent, always agreeable, never a “problem.”
You want to avoid the discomfort of someone else’s disappointment or anger.
You want to believe that if you do everything right, you’ll be safe from criticism, rejection, or conflict.
But real life doesn’t work that way. No matter how hard you try, you can’t control other people’s feelings, reactions, or opinions. And the more you try, the more exhausted—and disconnected—you become.
Reflective Pause
Ask yourself:
How often do I ignore my own needs to keep the peace?
What does it cost me to always be the “reliable one”?
Where in my life do I most struggle to say no?
What am I afraid will happen if I disappoint someone?
Write your answers down. Sometimes, seeing the truth on paper is the first step to change.
Coaching Room Real Talk
When I work with clients on people-pleasing, we go beyond the surface. We talk about the fear underneath—the fear of being seen as difficult, selfish, or ungrateful.
We explore:
What would it feel like to let go of responsibility for everyone else’s emotions?
Where did you learn that your needs matter less than everyone else’s?
What’s one small boundary you could set this week, just for you?
A client named Julia decided to try one experiment: saying “let me get back to you” instead of an automatic yes. She was shocked at how much lighter she felt—and how rarely anyone pushed back.
The Exhausting Illusion of Control
Here’s the punchline:
People-pleasing is a way to feel in control in a world that often feels unpredictable. But it’s a trap.
The more you try to control others’ perceptions, the less control you have over your own life.
You lose energy, you lose clarity, and eventually, you lose yourself.
If you want to know more about the cost of staying stuck in these patterns, read Do You Dread Mondays and Live Only for Weekends? and The Real Fear Behind Changing Careers (It’s Not What You Think).
Building a New Blueprint: Boundaries and Self-Respect
The good news? You can learn to set boundaries without guilt—and without losing your kindness.
Start with small “no’s” or “not yets.”
Practice pausing before you answer requests.
Notice where you feel resentment or exhaustion—it’s often a clue that a boundary is needed.
Imagine what life would be like if your energy went into things you truly care about, instead of managing everyone else’s feelings.
A Simple Exercise: The Boundary Audit
For the next week, notice every time you say yes when you want to say no (or vice versa).
What triggered your response?
How did you feel afterward?
What would you like to do differently next time?
Use this information to set one new boundary—no matter how small.
Curious How to Break Free from People-Pleasing and Reclaim Your Energy?
If any of this sounds familiar, I invite you to explore my website and let’s talk about building boundaries that last. You don’t have to keep carrying everyone else’s expectations.
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Until our next breakthrough! — Daria
